My initial intention of starting this blog was so I could have a place to talk about my depression. A place to write out my thoughts to hopefully clear my head. And that, my dear readers, is what this post is about...
When I sit back and try to put things into perspective I tell myself that if depression is going to be the worst disease I’ll ever have (yes mom, I know. I'll have much worse.) then I’ve got a fairly easy road ahead compared to what it could be. But then, on days like today, or yesterday, or Sunday, that positive thinking goes all to hell. Instead, I hide under the covers and wish my depression would just go away and leave me alone. And I get frustrated.
If I were given the option of A) being happy or B) being sad, I, of course, would choose A. If the options were A) irritable and angry/being in a bad mood or B) sad, I would then choose B. It is so much easier for me to get through the day when I am actually disheartened and numb than when I am pissed off at the world and feel like yelling at everyone I see.
I look at people I know and see how they don’t have such a short fuse with other peoples’ stupidity. How they don’t get totally and completely overwhelmed by the little day to day things and I wonder. Are they better equipped to deal with these things because they don’t have depression and it is therefore due to my illness that these bad moods arise? Or am I just a bitter, miserable person that has some sort of major character defect?
Whether it is my depression or my personality, I am willing to try and overcome it either way. I just wish I could figure out which it is. Then perhaps I wouldn’t hate myself so much when I get like this. Or maybe, just maybe, I would actually have the capability to stop and look at myself and try to talk myself down from where I’m at in my head. And then, if I could actually accomplish that, maybe I wouldn’t feel like I’m clawing my way through all of the millions of thoughts and words ricocheting around in my brain everyday and not ever getting anywhere.
But then again, maybe not…
5 comments:
Like Dad always says, good mental health is something you don't appreciate till you don't have it. Then it's about the most coveted thing there is. Your blog should be broadcast so people could understand the whole thing better. I mean those with good mental health.
Ah Suz - it is definitely the depression - NOT the other way around!! You are doing the best with what you've been handed and you are amazing. I'm so sorry you're having sucky days.
I liked what Dr. Ellis told you - that people actually do act stupider this time of year. And he was even including you! Funny!
It's not that another person is necessarily better equipped... It's that everyone has different trials in life. Yours may be dealing with idiots without getting pissed off. Some people (i.e. me) have a hard enough time dealing with the stupidity of themselves without getting pissed off ;)
At least you just get pissed off at the idiots.. some people don't have the restraint and end up killing them!
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